A Heavenly Affair
by Shadow131
Summary: Yes, back from my scary brain, I give you INUYASHA AND CAST AS GODS! MUAHAH! er..Anywho, Inuyasha, God of Death, is tricked into taking a live soul, aka Kagome, and things just go from bad, to worse after that.
1. The Bargain

A Heavenly Affair: Chapter One: The Bargain  
  
A.N: This just sorta randomly came to me one morning. This is why people get nervous when I start really thinking. My ideas are odd, cruel, and unusual. Anywho, onto the fic.  
  
It has always been to the understanding of those who have some form of religion to not tick off gods. Good advice too. But then, sometimes the gods can tick you off. One example of such is the story, as related below, of gods killing people for the heck of it. But then, gods- meaning more than one- are constantly checked and balanced by each other, as to prevent said injustice from happening.  
By this point, you're probably thinking "What? Way too many big words and complicated ideas." For this, I apologize. What I mean to say is- Okay, just skip it, I'm rambling.  
In any case, to continue with the story, in proper story book fashion, once upon a time, in a village of no consequence to anyone except for those who lived there, there lived a man and a woman. Most of you ought to know the birds and the bees, so I will not go into any further detail, other than the fact that the two promptly married and longed for a child.  
In any case, in this village, the people did, in fact, worship gods, and they were as follows: Kikyo, goddess of the Earth, Miroku, god of the sea, Sango, goddess of love (and of whom repeatedly slapped Miroku for not keeping his hands where they belonged), Sesshomaru, God of storms, and lastly, Inuyasha, the god of death. The people had to keep the gods constantly pleased, just in case they ever got particularly ticked off.  
Now, back to the man and woman. When two people fall so madly in love that they- Okay, you probably really want me to stop right there. In any case, Sango took a liking to the couple, and decided to let them have their wish of a child.  
Well, as any mother knows, this is a mixed blessing. It's great for the most part, until it actually comes to having the child, then its bloody hell. Also, as some mothers may know, having a child can also be horribly dangerous. And, behind Sango's back, this is exactly what Inuyasha intended to make it. In any case, something went horribly wrong, and the woman and child were going to die soon if some miracle didn't happen. And a miracle wasn't scheduled for that day, so don't expect there to be one.  
So down came the god Inuyasha from his perch on the mountain, into the couples little hut, to claim the woman, when, just in the nick of time, the other four gods interceded, forming a line between Inuyasha and the woman.  
"And what do you think you're doing?" Kikyo demanded.  
"Getting the woman's soul, what's it look like?" he tartly responded.  
"Inuyasha, what did you do? This woman was supposed to survive!"  
"Me? I'm just ending her suffering!"  
"Suffering my ass," Sesshomaru snapped. It then became a large argument.  
"Inuyasha, you just can't kill the woman! Her husband offered me a very nice sacrifice!"  
"The two of them are in love! You can't just sever such a strong bond!"  
"I was going to bless the child to look like me! I don't want her dead!"  
"That's not much of a blessing in my opinion!"  
"Inuyasha!"  
"I was going to see if she'd bare my child next!"  
Smack!  
"Oww..."  
"WILL EVERYONE JUST SHUTUP!!!!???" Inuyasha shouted, covering his ears. "Look, fine! If you don't want me to kill the wench, I won't kill her! I'll just go kill some other villager!" This only started another long argument.  
"Inuyasha, you can't just kill innocent villagers!"  
"Hello? God of death? Of course I can!"  
"Inuyasha!" they all cried in chorus.  
"Fine then! What do you suggest?!" he yelled. The other four gods began a huddle.  
"We can't just have him killing people right and left!"  
"He definitely needs a hobby."  
"Or a girlfriend."  
"That's it!" cried Sango. "A girlfriend!"  
"What?!" the others said, incredulously.  
"Why not? I'll get him to fall in love, and presto! Everyone's happy!"  
"Oh please," said Sesshomaru. "Who's going to fall in love with the god of death?"  
"More appropriately, who's the god of death going to fall in love with?"  
"The child!" she said smugly.  
"Uh, Sango? There's a bit of a problem with that theory," said Kikyo. "The child's only a baby!"  
"That's the best part! We'll make him wait till she grows up! The waiting will teach Inuyasha some discipline, and he'll be so impatient, he won't care who or what she looks like! He'll just claim her as his! Come on, we know Inuyasha best! If this doesn't work, what will?"  
"Inuyasha'd never fall in love with a human," Sesshomaru stated flatly.  
"Why not?" Kikyo said in annoyance. "Your father did!" Sesshomaru growled slightly, but let it slide.  
"Alright. It's in your capable hands Sango." "If he doesn't want her, I'll take her," Miroku said, getting slapped again by Sango. The group broke formation and turned to face Inuyasha who was picking his teeth.  
"What's the deal?" he said with a yawn.  
"Inuyasha, why don't you try taking a live soul instead?" Kikyo encouraged.  
"Why?"  
"Because that's what we're giving you," said Miroku. "The human child."  
"Child?! What would I want with a child?"  
"Nothing. Yet," tempted Sango. "But when she grows up."  
"How pretty she'll be.." stated Sesshomaru.  
"Oh no, I don't want any little brat!" said Inuyasha flatly.  
"Tough," said Kikyo. "Because that's what you're getting, and you're not killing anyone this night."  
"What?!"  
"You heard us," said Miroku. "You're getting the girl, and that's final!" And with that, while Inuyasha still sputtered his protests, they dragged him back up to the mountain. Only he tricked them. He climbed back down and killed a cow to let loose some vengeance before going to sleep on the mountain.  
  
.  
  
It was as the gods had promised. The mother and child did live, and they named her Kagome, or Beautiful and Refined. Sango and Kikyo would look down from their mountain perch and peer endlessly at the child, blabbering at the god's evening meal about Kagome's new word, or first step until Inuyasha thought he'd go mad.  
"This is what you're saddling me with? This little wind up toy?" he'd complain angrily. But inwardly, it began to fascinate Inuyasha. Every one of the gods watched over Kagome with tenderness and care, except for Inuyasha, who was not allowed to see her until her the day of her sixteenth birthday. Sango's idea was that he'd get so curious; he'd be dying to see Kagome. "I can't even see what you're chaining me too?" he'd complain constantly, but it never worked. Sesshomaru put a magic seal around Inuyasha's eyes, so that whenever he looked at Kagome, all he saw was his brother's mists. It was infuriating.  
Time passed by. Sometimes dragging, other times rushing far too fast. In any event, by the time Kagome had turned sixteen, she now had a little brother, and had grown very, very lovely. She did look like Kikyo, just as she'd been promised. But her parent's never told her of the secret pact made with the gods. So, Kagome would sleep idly, not knowing that there were fewer and fewer days until she would be lifted up to the mountain.  
  
.  
  
"Well? This better be good, baka," Inuyasha spat, as the other four deities guided him to the edge of the mountain where he'd have perfect view of Kagome, sound asleep in the little hut.  
"Oh Inuyasha, you'll just love it!" Sango squeaked, excited to see their plan come together. Sesshomaru lifted the veil of mist from Inuyasha's eyes, giving him full view of the beauty below. A moment passed. And then another. Inuyasha studied the girl intently.  
"That?" he spat. "You're giving me that ugly little wench?"  
"Ugly little wench?" Kikyo said incredulously.  
"Maybe we've got him turned in the wrong direction!" Miroku suggested. So, Sesshomaru put the veil back up, turned him in a ninety degree angle, and tried again. After several attempts of this, and Inuyasha forming a rather nasty growl in his throat, they decided that they'd been right the first time, and unclouded Inuyasha's eyes.  
"Well Inuyasha? Be honest!" Sango demanded.  
"I already told you what I think. Do I have to have her?"  
Miroku gapped in astonishment. "That's like a child asking to not have desert! Oh well. No sense wasting such a lovely mortal on him. I'll just have to suffer and-"  
Whack!  
"Oww.."  
So the gods huffed off, leaving Inuyasha to sit alone, and watch Kagome sleep.  
"She's awful pretty you know," said that annoying little voice that lives in the back of everyone's mind, second guessing and demoralizing them. "She really is..But then, who wants to be saddled with a stupid mortal like her?.....Okay, so you do..But not permanently! Oh no! Mortals are too sticky if you fall in love with them..hmm.They say you can't have your cake and eat it too...Maybe you don't have to own the cake, just eat it...That might work.yeah!"  
And that same annoying little voice that sits back in our brains, annoying us and pushing us to do better or worse, continued to chat to its owner, and a plan evolved.  
  
.  
  
Gods are sneaky creature's taking many forms in order to hide their appearances, the least of which are animal forms. Kikyo was a raven, Sesshomaru was a hawk, Miroku was a fish, Sango was a dove, and lastly, there was Inuyasha, the snake.  
And in said snake form, Inuyasha crawled down the mountain side. A few hours later, he finally reached the girl's hut, huffing and puffing. He tried wiggling in under the door, and ended up getting himself stuck.  
"Well this is great!" he hissed aloud, wiggling to get himself unstuck. He shot out from under the door and back outside the hut. He hissed his displeasure at the offending doorway, and instead tried a window. This, he found, was even more impossible. After another hour of impatient circling of the hut, Inuyasha found a hole that he could squeeze through rather successfully. Sticking out whatever sort of chest a viper has, he proudly snaked around the room, searching for Kagome's mat. He found her sleeping under the window on a mat of reeds, sleeping soundly, the moonlight reflecting off of her raven hair. He hissed in pleasure, and slithered across the dirt floor to his goal. Little did he know that sitting on the window sill, the white dove that was Sango watched him intently. "Oh no you don't, Inuyasha," Sango thought to herself, fluttering down and touching Kagome on the shoulder, and flying off before Inuyasha could notice her. Kagome's eyes fluttered open to the rather surprised snake in front of her. "Oh shit," he thought.  
  
.  
  
Back up on the mountain, Sesshomaru woke up to a rather loud screaming, rubbing his eyes so that they might focus. "THERE'S A SNAKE IN HERE!" "What the hell?" Sesshomaru puzzled aloud, looking down the mountain side. He kicked Miroku, who was grinning and twitching in his sleep, making him groan, but woke up with a yawn. "What was that about?" he protested angrily. "Where are Inuyasha and Sango?" he said, annoyed. "You mean they're gone?" he responded in surprise.  
Sesshomaru motioned to the empty reed pallets where the two would normally have slept.  
"A duh!" he said, rolling his eyes.  
"No fair!" Miroku shouted, waking up Kikyo, who yawned and stretched.  
"What's not fair?" she asked.  
"Sango ignores me whenever I propose anything, but when Inuyasha asks- "  
Kikyo whapped him upside the head. "You moron, they're not having sex."  
"So then where was that yelling coming from?" Sesshomaru said, trying to change the conversation.  
  
.  
  
"Hey oww!"  
Whack!  
"No, knock it off!"  
Smack!  
"Not there! Not there!"  
Whump!  
"You don't know who you're hitting!" Inuyasha cried in desperation while Kagome continued to pummel him and scream.  
"DADDY! THERE'S A SNAKE IN HERE!" After several minutes of this, Inuyasha lay on the dirt floor, bleeding and twitching. Kagome, disgustedly, picked him up by his tail and threw him out the window.  
A white dove flittered down onto a tree branch that loomed over the bloody god.  
"You woke her up, didn't you Sango?" he managed to croak out, while she groomed her pristine white feathers.  
"It serves you right," she said, fluttering down to the ground. "Don't birds eat snakes? I wonder what you'd taste like."  
"Don't you dare Sango," he said, wiggling furiously to no avail. Sango promptly transformed back into her human self, tenderly picking up the god of death.  
"Honestly Inuyasha, what am I going to do with you? In less than a week that girl's going to be coming up to the mountain and you just tried to rape her! You flagrantly disregarded my sacred powers of love! Love making is a sacred bond of two people who are deeply in love and-"  
"Skip it, will you Sango? My head is killing me!"  
Upon returning to the mountain top, Sango plopped the god of death on his reed mat unkindly, letting him turn back into human form. Miroku looked first from Sango, to Inuyasha, then back to Sango again.  
"Boy Sango, if that's what you do when you have sex, I'm not sure I want any!"  
Whack!  
"Oww.."  
  
To Be Continued..  
  
A.N. I know it's really OOCy, but it's been proved that OOC (*cough* the Agency *cough cough*) can be kinda fun. In any event, this is just a spoof  
on gods and how weird or funny they can act. Hope you liketh^^ 


	2. Match Maker, Match Maker

A Heavenly Affair: Chapter Two: Match Maker, Match Maker  
  
Kagome sighed contentedly as the mountain stream water rushed about her. She ran a few fingers in her hair to try and undo tangles and knots as she bathed in the brook a small distance from her home. She lay back for a moment, just letting the cool water rush over her. This was the life. Nothing could compare to this.  
Whump!  
What was that? It sounded as though someone had thrown a rock which had bounced off another rock, and, in turn, splashed into the water. That wasn't very likely though. Kagome lifted her head anyway, out of curiosity.  
There, standing on the shore, was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen, and she certainly did not come from the village. The woman was smirking and looking down into the water with some satisfaction. Kagome looked at where the woman's eyes were fixed to see a fish sloshing about in the water. No, not a fish at all! It was now a man who was coughing and sputtering on the bank of the faster moving part of the stream. What had just happened?  
"I'm so going to get you back for that," he said, glaring up at the woman.  
The woman stuck her tongue out at him and knocked him back in the water with her foot. He was abruptly carried down stream, but the woman didn't seem to care, as she turned and faced Kagome, smiling. Kagome shrank back. That woman had just murdered someone!  
"Ah, Kagome! It's a good thing I found you when I did, or that lecher Miroku would have gotten to you first!"  
Kagome quickly climbed to shore, reaching for her dress. "What? Miroku? You mean the sea god Miroku? That's impossible."  
"Everything's possible, my dear," she said, reaching out a hand to help her up. Kagome timidly took the hand.  
"How do you know my name?"  
"Why wouldn't I? A goddess should know everyone's name." Kagome immediately hit the dirt, praying fervently. Was she actually kneeling before a goddess, obviously Sango, or was she just going crazy?  
"Rise, Kagome. I do not seek your piety today." Kagome obediently stood, slipping her dress over her head. "You're not wearing that, are you? Oh no, that will never do. Tisk, tisk. No, I guess I'll have to provide something.  
  
.  
  
"Come on Sesshomaru, how much longer? I'm bored."  
"Shut up," the god of storms said to his brother. The bluish gray horses which pulled the chariot the two were standing in stomped their hooves impatiently, not wanting to sit and wait.  
"They're your horses. Couldn't we just take a break from waiting for a little while and cause a storm? Please?"  
"Sango said-"  
"Sango said this, Sango said that. I'm sick and tired of what Sango says!" Inuyasha shouted, angrily hopping off the chariot and kicking a rock. The horses rolled they're eyes in nervousness and looked back at the death god.  
"Knock it off Inuyasha, or you'll spook Tempest and Squall," Sesshomaru said, now sitting on the edge of the lavishly decorated chariot. The bluish gray horses Tempest and Squall stamped their thunder cloud black hooves again and nickered impatiently.  
"See?" Inuyasha said, plopping down on a large rock. "They agree with me."  
"Of course they do. Stupid beasts communicate with each other easily." Inuyasha was about ready to punch his brother, when out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a very wet Miroku.  
"What happened to you?" Inuyasha demanded, dropping his fist.  
"Sango," he responded, slumping against the rock Inuyasha lazed on.  
"Figures," he said, rolling his eyes. "She's always responsible for something. Anyone seen Kikyo?" Inuyasha asked, looking around.  
"She and Sango are making Kagome a new dress," Miroku responded, getting some of his breath back.  
"Let me guess: They're getting the creatures of the forest to help make her a lovely wedding gown, and are making it out of leaves and nuts and twigs, and Sango's covering her with perfume made from Kikyo's roses, and when I see her I'll fall madly in love with her and live happily ever after?" Inuyasha said in a high pitched voice, trying to mimic Sango as he twirled around the ground as though he was gay and dancing. This even got a snicker out of Sesshomaru, while it had Miroku rolling on the ground howling.  
"More or less," he managed to cough out, whipping away tears of laughter.  
"What a loud of crap," Inuyasha said, gloomily plopping back down onto his rocky perch. He twitched an ear in the direction Miroku had come from. "Hm..looks like I'm finally going to meet my bride to be face to face."  
  
.  
  
Kagome was not, however, clad in nuts and twigs and the like. They tried that. It didn't quite work. Instead, Sango put her in soft green silk and gave her a necklace of pearls. This, they decided, was not only more respectable, but it did look quite a lot better on Kagome. And so, Kagome timidly entered Sango's chariot, drawn by two sparkling white horses, and nervously clutched the Goddess' arm.  
She honestly didn't have the faintest idea what was going on. One moment she was bathing in the stream, the next, she was in a lovely silk gown and riding in a heavenly chariot. This was not necessarily a bad thing, but it did have Kagome a little shook up.  
Kagome relaxed a little as they reached the village and her parents hut came into view. However, her heart rate doubled when she saw the bluish black chariot and the other three, what she must assume were gods, next to it.  
"But, but, but-" Kagome began to stutter. The wet one she recognized as Miroku, the other two, she could only guess at. "I, I, I-"  
"Hush, child," Sango ordered. "A debt is being repaid."  
"What do you mean?" Kagome asked, frightened, as the chariot came to a stop.  
"Simple. At your birth, your mother was going to die. But they decided to trade your life for hers."  
"What?!" Kagome shouted incredulously as Sango helped her out. How could they?! How could her parents just trade her like she was some sort of beast?! It wasn't fair!  
Kagome began to weep, flinging herself to the ground in front of Inuyasha's rock. "Please My Lord, spare me! I don't want to die!"  
Inuyasha's ears pulled back as he looked down awkwardly at the girl. Damn it, why'd she have to cry?  
"Shut up, will you?" he ordered harshly. "Who said anything about dying?"  
Kagome looked up and Sango, sniffling slightly. "But you said-"  
"You didn't let me finish. Nay, I spared your life, in favor of love," Sango said, sweeping her hand in the direction of the god of death. Kagome visibly blanched.  
"You mean..Marry Inuyasha?" The idea clearly didn't set well with her.  
"Look, this wasn't my idea!" Inuyasha shouted, glaring at Sango.  
"Well then, if you don't want her.." Sango began to say, helping Kagome to her feet and steering her in the direction of the hut. Inuyasha quickly jumped in front of them.  
"No flipping way! What's mine is mine!" Inuyasha said stubbornly, grabbing Kagome's arm. "Come on wench." He helped her into Sesshomaru's chariot, holding the reins while the god of storms went with Kikyo and Miroku to convene with Sango.  
"Step one a success," said Sango, well out of reach of even Inuyasha's hearing.  
"I must say I'm impressed," said Miroku.  
"Well?" asked Kikyo. "What now, oh goddess of love?"  
"Now we wait and see what unfolds." 


End file.
